“When I was young my father said Son I have something to say And what he told me Ill never forget Until my dyin day. He said son you are a bachelor boy And thats the way to stay. Son, you be a bachelor boy until your dyin day” (Now playing-->)
Presenting to you - The Bachelor boys’ guide to staying that way! Brother, why would you choose not to be a bachelor any more? Okay, wrong choice of words – what would break you and push you over that cliff – into the point of no return? If you answer the way I used to, well, all I say is no sweat! It’s not that bad after all. It’s like the do it yourself kit. Get your hot meal done day after day, everyday. Without the shopping and wailing and the jewellery and all that jazz! And like all superheroes, all you need is a good side-kick, or better still, a bunch of them bananas!
Banana#1: Dal Now this one here is super hero in the making. Dont be surprised if one day put this one puts all the women folk out of business. What amazes me is this guy’s capability to adapt and the ability to metamorphose into a new look and feel (are we forgeting something .. yeah taste!) practically everyday! Monday he is dal nospecialname – goes well with rice, and some spicey chutney Tuesday he’s dal pepperonit – you microwave it with extra fresh ground pepper – great with some boiled vegetables (broiled with chillie flakes cheese and ketchup, ofcource) Wednesday and Thursday he’s sambar and then Thursday thru Saturday he’s rasam! Magical cannot but be an understatement! If there’s a promised savior gentlemen, it is dal – your sidekick no.1!
Tips: Fry gently before you pressure cook (translated: yellow, orange – acceptable. Black – game over, try again!) Pop those seeds – I don’t know what they’re called – The little ones that pop when you put them in oil – they make a lot of difference!
Banana#2: Brocolli, cabbage/any leaf. This one is a beau monde star – for your lunch pack to office. Can be terribly decieving, and may trick the women into believing youre a healthy eater! And trust me, they don’t taste as bad as we were led to believing they do. And the best part is you don’t have to cook them. A dash of olive oil and a piece of lime can work wonders with this. For the filling you can use mashed potatoes and chicken/egg/some spicey (dry) vegetable dish left over from the previous night (potato is another wonder vegetable – but more about that later) – the mashing can be done on a weekend and stowed away in the fridge. With this you can grin back at the pot-bellied manager of yours the next time he opens his box at lunchtime, and does the smell-sigh routine. Boys, do NOT give in to temptation! Tip: Get those long breads – not the kind of stuff burgers are made of – more like an oval than a circle. Cut them with a knife (steal that from a restaurant *wink*– you don’t have to buy a cutlery set for that. ) along the length – something like 85% of the total depth. Wrap the filling inside the leaf, keep it inside and you're ready to go! Accessories required to get started: A fridge ( considering that all these things will only take up one third of the space, and that you’ll have the rest of it dedicated to beer, and that you’ll always have ice at your disposal, so you can actually buy that decanter set ( Imagine a home bar – it’s heaven!) , it is an investment worth every paisa – you’ll have to buy it either way should you decide to get married. )
A trash can and the bags: With the trash bags , you’ll need to empty them only twice in a week. No stinking kitchen anymore!
(And everything else – the stove and some cookware and all that.)
Emergency readiness: Like the boss says, it always pays to be proactive than reactive. So I bought myself more beer! For one, you can invite the guys over and drink to the disaster, but for cooking diasters, beer can be our own neighborhood superhero! I had realized that I didn’t have enough cooking brain cells in my head, but necessity is the mother of evolution, so exigency made them suddenly appear. But the rest of the brain is still in good shape, so I was watching this game on TV while I was making some chicken. And the suckers had to score right when I was putting the chilly powder in. And cela va sans dire, what was intended to be chicken noname instantly evolved into chicken inferno! But where there is a beer, there is always a way. I broke an egg into the curry, and a pint of Heineken and let it boil, and there it was – not so bad as it was before.
Epilogue: Some one reported having heard screams from the bathroom of apartment 9 the next morning.. Well, what can I say - It could have been worse! :)
Aha! A rainy Christmas and a plethora of silly mistakes. Some dork locked himself out of the car on a freezing night, right outside his apartment. Oh well, it would not have been such a mistake after all, if he hadn’t left the apartment keys in the same bunch as the car keys, and he hadn’t left his coat inside the car. And you know how these apartments in the US are. You need a key even to get to the stairs. Sigh! [Ok. It was me. SO? ]
But wait a minute. This is the U.S of A. you always have 911!
911 emergency.. What’s your emergency? Well.. err.. I kinda locked myself out of the car. Are there any kids in the car? No. I’ll have to put you on hold for a minute, Sir. [Did I hear “pay back time!!”? man not every guy in India works in a call center. Hellooo??] Okay, we regret that we cannot be of too much help at this time. However, you may break the window. Oh. I MAY break the window of MY car? Thanks! Any time, Sir. Merry Christmas!
But well, that is beside the point. There is no snow for Christmas!
Ho ho ho Santa old fella, Go get yourself an umbrella! *boink* Merry Christmas, folks!
Not that nut, dirty minds – that was an idiom. Idiots! I cracked a big business problem at the office today. No make that two - I also figured out that The Old man of the Mountain was the name of a meeting room. (Now why did no one tell me that before!! ) **Flashback** Meeting invite : [Avaya continued discussion at old man of the mountain 2pm] 2.15 :I am still hanging around outside my boss D’s office, waiting for the guys to turn up. (Old man? Of the mountain?? Oh come on, guys!) **Flashback ends**
On a different note, I also found out that the spread eagle is a thing only for the eagles to try. I got inspired by the spread eagle picture everywhere, and tried the move, and my pants tore right across the centre. *Trrrrrrrrrk* Now that doesn't paint a prety picture at a party - Especially, when you’re wearing bright red underwear.
I also realized – after spending numerous ours on research on it- how the phrase piss off came into existence.
This is how: Snow on your car’s windshield - now trust me on this – is the mother of all piss offs, especially when you’re running late to that breakfast meeting. You have two ways of getting around this problem: a. Turn on the heater, wait for the snow to melt off – which may take you all winter OR b. Go to Walgreens, and buy a snow shovel – Ok now we’re talking crap. I’m a converting desi – which means it is always 1$=48 rupees. No way!
Or wait a minute – there’s an easier way ! You can piss on it. And like magic – it goes away! Damn right – Piss the friggin snow off!